I don’t know how to write about this
Like many artists, I, too, have seen the dark side of depression. It’s important we tell our story so others struggling don’t feel alone. . . . Many have reached out to me lately in my time of need and I am slowly healing and am very grateful. Please, if you need, reach out to me. I’ll hear you. I’ve been there.
Brittany Belland
That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.
Anderson Cooper
Brittany Belland, my niece, a funny, beautiful, warm, loving, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, and talented young woman died by her own hand in November 2018, four years ago now. Her loss devastated her family, including her mother, my sister Diana. Brittany was only 28, but she suffered from severe depression. Perhaps she was bi-polar. Medicines weren’t working, and she seemed to think she had no other options. She did not want to die this way–she worked to promote suicide prevention and awareness and spoke out about mental health issues, but, in the end, the pain was simply too much and she was unable go on. It wasn’t a decision or a willful act. One of her sisters, a physician, said she died of mental illness. Her brain stopped functioning and so did her will to survive. But I know it is difficult for her family to accept this/
An actress and comedian, Brittany put on a “one-woman show” in September 2018, just two months before her death, and dedicated the profits to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. She knew she was at risk, but seemed powerless to save herself.
Brittany and her mother were very close. Diana was so proud of Brittany’s budding acting career, and they even created a short film together, “Mommy Issues,” about Brittany’s character’s fear of turning into her mother. It won awards. You can watch it here: https://filmfreeway.com/903901
Brittany starred in several feature length-films too, mostly low-budget horror films in the beginning, but her last film, “Another Version of You,” released after her death, is a wonderful film about traveling among multiple universes to find love. One of my favorite films, and Brittany is terrific in it.
Brittany’s family tried hard to keep her alive. Diana spent 10 days with her before her death. Ten days trying to cheer Brittany up. Finally, Brittany perked up when her boyfriend returned home from a work trip, and Diana thought it was safe to leave. She made Brittany promise to go back to the psychiatrist.
But there are no sure-fire ways to keep someone from killing themselves. “Suicide is preventable,” they say. But how? Call a suicide hotline? Will that do it? Will the caring voice of a stranger on the phone do more than the daily, hourly efforts of family and friends? I don’t think so. And yet, my response to Brittany’s death was to volunteer at the local suicide hotline. I didn’t even mention it to my sister for a month or two. It seemed so laughable that, after barely a week of training, that I could do anything to help anyone in a few minutes on the phone, knowing that the problems of suicidal people are so great and multidimensional. But I had to do something. My sister and her husband live a thousand miles away. I can’t bring her a casserole or sit with her and hold her while she cried.
I couldn’t even talk to her, initially. Not for the first several months. She didn’t want to talk to me, feeling that I, like many others, would say the wrong thing. It is hard to say the right thing to someone who has suffered such an awful loss. Even the best-intentioned comments fail. Nothing will make the family whole again. But we began talking again a few months after Brittany’s death. Mostly I listened.
On the hotline, I mostly listened too. Most callers are not on the verge of killing themselves. Most are lonely, depressed, sad, or anxious, and just need someone to talk to. We are not supposed to give advice or to act as therapists, just to listen. Sometimes, though, people ask me what they can do to feel less anxious/depressed/stressed. I hear the pain in their voices, and I sometimes feel the need to ask that question, “Are you feeling suicidal?” hoping not to hear an answer in the affirmative. Life is such a gift, yet can be so excruciatingly painful for some who see no way out of the gloom.
I did give advice once. We were talking about ways to reduce anxiety. We talked about hobbies. She knits. I acknowledged that I also knit. Oh, she said, what do you knit? I hesitated, then told her about the cup cozies. Brittany used to make cup cozies for friends and relatives–it was her way of saving the planet. People could use the knitted or crocheted cup cozies around paper coffee cups to keep from burning their hands–and save trees by not using the little cardboard cozies that you get at the coffee shops.
One of Brittany’s sisters and I made over 100 cup cozies for guests at Brittany’s Celebration of Life. I didn’t mention any of this to the caller. I just said that knitting cup cozies was fun because you could finish them quickly and you could experiment with different knitting patterns and not feel committed to making a big, endless project, like a whole sweater. I, in fact, enjoyed making them. It gave me something solid to hang on to in the months after Brittany’s death. The caller liked the idea of a short, creative, and useful project. I could hear her smile. Maybe Brittany’s loving spirit reached out to her.
There were 47,173 suicides in the US in 2017 (129 a day, 22 of them veterans)–and 1.4 million attempts. Each suicide scars surviving family members and friends forever, as they try to cope with feelings of loss, guilt, and wondering why. Suicide rates are on the rise among young women. We know so little about mental illness. We need to do much more.
I have no answers. Just be kind. It may not be enough, but sometimes it’s all we have.
But, to get back to the Anderson Cooper quote at the beginning, when someone dies by suicide or in an
“unnatural” way, we tend to focus on the death itself, rather than the life. So please try to get to know the vibrant, talented, loving Brittany that her family knew. Watch “Mommy Issues” and “Another Version of You.” Laugh and remenber the good parts!
Brittany and Diana lived life to the fullest. I hope hat somewhere they are still laughing, hugging, and spreading joy.
Some Mistakes Were Made 
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Marilyn, your niece Brittany was truly a special person. She not only talked the talk, but she walked the walk. We only knew each other through social media. But when I was looking for advice on how to help my bipolar son, she didn’t hesitate for a second to help me and give me support and encouragement. And it turned out that she was going through her own intense mental health difficulties at the time. She gave me comfort in my struggles with my son. I was heartbroken when I learned of her death. How ironic that a person with such dark depression could be such a bright light for others. I don’t know that Britt realized how many people’s lives she touched.
I just saw “Another Version Of You” and am saddened that such a beautiful young girl was in so much pain and felt that she had no other options.
Thanks for your thoughts Dan. I loved “Another Version of You,” which I just discovered, from the last comment, is now streaming on Amazon Prime. Brittany was terrific in that, and I wish she had been able to stay around long enough to understand how much people loved her and her talents.
Hello, Marilyn…
My name is Augusto. I live in Brazil.
I discovered Brittany’s work one night in early November 2021. I was choosing a movie to watch and saw Clowntergeist on Prime Video.
I like low budget films. I enjoyed the film, but what caught my attention the most was the performance of the trio of protagonists. It’s not very common to see good performances from actors in low-budget films.
As I am an actor and passionate about films, every time I watch a film, I usually research it, especially on IMDb. I was heartbroken when I saw that Brittany was already gone. This was even more accentuated because this happened just a year after the film’s release – just a few months later I discovered that Clowntergeist was filmed in 2014.
At the time I made a comparison between Britt’s career and mine: I’m an unknown actor and I would really like to have made a feature film. The most I achieved in my career were small appearances in TV series and many works financed by myself through YouTube, such as short films and other types of independent videos. I would later discover that my career and Britt’s had that in common.
I decided to research more about Britt. One of the first things I found was the memorial Natalia made for her at the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention. I didn’t have any money to donate – the life of an artist, you know – and what surprised me most about the text that Natalia posted there was precisely the Belland show, held just two months before.
I also suffer from depression. I never went to the doctor because of this, but I have had very serious crises, as well as suicidal thoughts. The first time was when I was sixteen and even today, I can’t remember a specific reason why I had these thoughts.
Next, I saw Britt’s comedy reel, with excerpts from her work. That’s when I saw that she really was a good actress.
I continued researching and at some point during those days, the idea of making a documentary about Brittany came to me. There were two main reasons: the first was that I identified myself with Brittany, especially in the difficulties faced by a beginning actor. I always thought that these difficulties were partly because I live in Brazil and the audiovisual artistic industry here is very weak. However, looking at Britt’s posts on social media, especially around the time she graduated, I could see that some of these difficulties were very similar to mine, with few differences.
The second main reason was Brittany’s talent.
I’ve been in this profession long enough to know that, for the industry, talent doesn’t make as much difference as it should. There are a lot of really talented people out there who are never recognized, in the same way that there are a lot of less talented people who are successful, get the best roles, the best pay, for other reasons.
For me, it was a sin that Brittany wasn’t recognized as she should be. I had the opportunity to watch almost all of her work and she ALWAYS stood out from the rest. I was reminded that there are many talented people whose work reaches few people, but paradoxically, I was happy that Brittany reached me, a continent away.
There was a third reason. In the meantime, I found the blog that Diana made when she was dealing with ALS. I found the text she wrote where she talked about the loss of Brittany. So I wanted to make the documentary about Britt and show it to Diana, so she would know that Britt’s talent reached far away places.
Weeks later I found out that Diana had left usand that almost made me give up on making the documentary.
I have suffered from migraine attacks since 2014, possibly caused by depression itself. At the end of that November 2021, I had one of those crises. It was the worst of all I had had so far. I had so much pain every day and it lasted for weeks. I spent all my savings on medicine and started to feel certain that I wasn’t going to live another year. I was so doped up on medication those days that my memories are kind of hazy.
My mother took me to a neurologist in January 2022 and he prescribed me medication for epilepsy, even though I didn’t have this disease. I managed to control my migraines, but one of the side effects of the epilepsy medication is precisely the increase in bouts of depression and possible suicidal thoughts. I don’t remember if I had such thoughts at that time, but my bouts of depression were very strong.
After two months, I reduced the use of medication.
Even so, I continued making the documentary. I researched Britt’s social media and her work. I finished it in August 2022, but Britt’s sisters didn’t like the fact that I did it without consulting them.
They’re right. I was stupid and insensitive.
I promised them I wouldn’t bother them anymore.
The documentary exists, but I only showed it to people close to me.
I totally understand the Anderson Cooper quote you mentioned at the beginning of your text.
As a Brazilian, I have the example of driver Ayrton Senna, who died during a race in 1994. Many Brazilians forget that before his death, he was three times world champion.
A person cannot be defined by the way they died, but by how they lived.
One of the things I discovered about Brittany that resonated most with me was her concern for helping others. The campaign to collect blankets for the homeless in Los Angeles is an example of this, but a few years earlier she published a text about her concerns about the humanitarian crisis in Haiti. She put herself in the shoes of people who, from one moment to the next, found themselves without family members and without a place to live.
When it comes to her work as an actress, she stood out not only in the four feature films she made, but also in the sketches she recorded for YouTube. Luckily, some of Britt’s stage work is available on YouTube as well.
One of the many reasons for an artist to do what they do and be what they are is to leave a positive mark on the world. A brand that will outlive this artist’s own existence. Art is an extension of the artist’s life.
Brittany left her artistic mark on the world. Proof of this is that I, living in a different country, speaking a different language, was able to enjoy her work.
Love,
Augusto
Thanks so much for your thoughts, Augusto. I hope you find success in your acting and filmmaking careers, and, most importantly, that you find peace in your own life and freedom from depression. You are loved and valued.
Marilyn
She was lovely in Another Version of You. The mental health struggle is real. It’s a dark cloud that I fear could popup again at anytime for anyone with a history.
I just finished watching “Another Version of You” on Amazon Prime. Through the whole movie I was amazed at the great acting in this movie I’d never heard of. Especially from Brittany. The stage presence, that gorgeous smile, that laugh! Everything she did seemed genuine! I was wondering why I haven’t seen this amazing actress in anything else. Then I saw the “In Memory” at the end and wondered what happened. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am a sufferer of Major Depression myself. I wish more people would understand, like you seem to, that it is a disease like any other. Most of the time, if you identify it and get proper treatment, it can be controlled. But sometimes, like Brittany, the treatment just doesn’t work and the disease takes another victim. I consider myself very lucky that my meds and therapy are working (for now, anyway!) I will continue to spread awareness about mental illness. And I will recommend this movie to my friends so they can 1) Enjoy a great movie! and 2) Experience the joy I got from watching your beautiful Brittany’s performance.
Melissa, thank you so much for your thoughts about Brittany. I am so glad your meds and therapy are working and I appreciate your willingness to share awareness about mental illness. All the best to you! Marilyn
I miss her too. Out last conversation was on her birthday 2018, I went into labor with my son, we played Earth Wind and Fires September. His favorite color is yellow too. Im
Hi, I just finished watching “Another Version of You” and what a standout performance. It was a unique movie and no offense to the male star but I was most drawn to Brittany’s character. THe closeness she had with her “brother”, the response when her double who was no longer live in that universe, the frightful response when he wanted to leave to continue his search for happiness. Adorable, kind, sweet, charming, funny, tender perso that her character expressed. It felt very real and great deal of the person I imagine she embodied into that character. I am a Social worker in my work life but a lover of cinema in private life. We often know so little of the pain so many carry in their lives whether it is lonliness/isolation or deeper pain embodied in Depression, bi polar as well as those who have PTSD or trauma. We are only temporary visitors in this world but your point about being “kind” is the most powerful way we can treat our fellow visitors. I imagine losing a family member or friend to Suicide is indescribable and there are no words. But any presence one can offer whether in person, over the phone, on the computer any attempt to say “i’m here” is the beauty of human connection. Thank you for sharing. We need to keep the conversation going, reach out when we can, resist blaming ourselves no matter whether it feels like we could have done more. Continue caring, continue loving, continue to be kind.
Thank you for your beautiful, thoughtful, and compassionate response.
I fell in love with her in high school, but was too young for anything to last. We went our separate ways. I’m cursed with never knowing if I hurt her, but I hope I was never enough of an impact in her life, or at least was a positive one. Last night I saw a high school musical where there was a young actress who looked just like Brittany as I remember her. It was so surreal. I think about her every day, and hope she’s at peace. How I wish I could talk to her again.
It’s 31 august 2025, I don’t remember why or when I downloaded “Another version of you”, but I found it on my phone, and I watched it almost in one go. I usually pause movies after an half hour or 20 minutes to look up background info of the actors, but this time I waited until the hour mark, and at first I didn’t quite catch it about her life ended. When I did I was pretty shocked. It’s like when I read about the girl from Poltergeist, Heather O’Rourke (cancer, 12), or Jaclyn Linetsky and Vadim Schneider the two teens from “15-love” (car accident at 17) or about Adrienne Shelly (robbery-homicide, age 40). We’re shocked because those things aren’t supposed to happen to that group of people. Unlike the other 4 causes of death (disease, accident, old age, homicide), suicide seems so intangibly unfathomable, especially when it’s someone who is pretty successful in their career. One is indeed inclined to think about a chemical brain imbalance, combined with “meds not taken”. Perhaps we’ll only know this in the future, when science explains this? We only learned about mercury poisoning of hatters much later.